How To Improve Your Relationships

The Japanese have a way of keeping a tree small. They cut its taproot, so the tree has to live on its shallow surface roots. It stays pretty, but it's fragile, and a strong wind can knock it over. Sensei Kirk Ellis says many relationships are like that tree. They grow around surface things like money, looks, clothes and entertainment, and they topple easily because nothing runs deep.

This tape is about the taproot. He explains that we all share a few basic needs. We need to feel safe, to feel accepted and to feel effective at what we do. We need a sense of self worth, and we need to be recognized. When someone threatens one of those needs, even by accident, walls start to go up, sometimes between people who love each other.

His examples are simple and true to life. A mother who tells her son he is a bad boy has labeled the whole child, when she could have said he behaved badly this one time and left his self worth intact. When we're upset with someone, our instinct is to stop talking to them, yet that's exactly when talking matters most. And the best time to deal with a conflict, he says, is the same as the best time to deal with a cobra: while it's still in the egg.

One of the most moving stories in the series is here too. He tells of orphaned babies in a hospital who were well fed and given good medical care but were still failing to thrive, until the staff began holding and touching them. Being recognized, he says, is one of the strongest needs a human being has.

He closes with advice anyone can use today. Ask people how they feel, and then really listen. Be honest and be yourself. Look past labels and status. Good relationships, he reminds us, happen by design, not by chance.